Some Assembly Required
by TheMightyMidget
Summary: PART ONE OF THE IKEA 'VERSE! Dean and Castiel go furniture shopping and Dean's attention span dies. Seriously, Hunters can be such children!


Dean didn't understand why they had to be here, of all places, but Sam had insisted that when it came to solving this problem this place was the best of the best. As far as Dean was concerned, Sam could take his opinion and shove it right up his…

"We appear to have arrived Dean…" Castiel said and Dean rolled his eyes at Mr. States-The-Obvious, staring up at the monolithic building standing before them and blotting out the sun like some kind of evil Headquarters. Dean couldn't count the number of reasons why this was a bad idea, but it had to be in the low thousands, but neither Castiel nor Sam would listen to him and he had given up trying to explain. He parked the car and sighed heavily as the approached the building, bracing himself before they entered.

"Lets just get this over with, already…" Dean snapped at Castiel who smiled at the huffy Hunter and took his hand.

"Don't be so dramatic Dean, honestly, what is the worst that could possibly happen…" Castiel said and lead Dean inside, where an overly cheery man in an obnoxiously bright uniform greeted them with a grin.

"Welcome to Ikea, Gentlemen!" The man said with a smile and Dean groaned loudly. This was gonna be a long ass day.

The whole reason for Dean's descent into this Hellhole was that Castiel had now moved into the bunker full time and even though he was sharing Deans room, he really needed a space of his own, somewhere he could go to escape from the general chaos of life on Earth and just relax - in other words somewhere he could go to escape Dean and his Dr. Sexy reruns. Cas and Sam had decided it would be a wonderful idea if they - Dean - converted one of the unused rooms into a study where Castiel could keep his growing library and hide his little ornament elephants that he had taken to collecting. Cas really liked elephants, they were the most majestic of the animals in his opinion but Dean hated them with a passion - they stared at him while he slept. The sheer number of times Cas had awoken to find his beloved 'phants turned towards the wall and hidden in a box under the bed was enough to drive him mad. Dean always denied that he had anything to do with it but Castiel did not believe him for one moment, although he could not understand why Dean hated them so much - That was until Sam explained to him that one summer Bobby had taken them to the zoo when John was away on a 3 month Hunt. Dean had been showing off to the pretty girls and walking along the small wall around the Elephant enclosure, when one of the animals had filled its trunk with water and showered Dean in front of the girls, knocking him right off the wall and flat onto his face. He had hated the damn things ever since.

"I do not understand the purpose of these tiny rooms, Dean? Do people live here? I am not sure I feel comfortable buying peoples furniture from them…" Castiel asked, pulling Dean out of his thoughts. They had been wandering through the store for a full thirty minutes now and so far there had been in ever section but the one they needed, and Deans attention had begun to wander.

"No, Cas its not someone's…oh check that out?!" Dean said as he spotted a large lampshade shaped like a race-car, and went running off towards it followed closely by Cas.

"Dean! You can not play with that, what if someone comes home?!" Castiel whispered urgently, looking around for any signs that they were being watched. Dean rolled his eyes and began prodding at the light delightedly.

"I already said Cas, its not someone's home! Its just a display!" Dean explained to the oblivious Angel. "Its just so you can see what it would look like in a room." Castiel still looked unsure and Dean chuckled, sometimes he forgot just how little his Cas knew.

"Well…if you are sure…but please Dean, do not touch anything! It may not belong to someone but it belongs to the store and you should not be playing around in here!" Castiel snapped as Dean began to spin the flimsy light around, making engine noises as it moved.

"Oh gee, sorry Dad!" Dean joked and Castiel glared at him before turning and storming off down the aisle in search of the bookcases. Dean watched him go with a snort, damn Angel could be so touchy at times, Dean wasn't a child he could walk around a damn store without causing any…

 _Creak, Crash!_

Dean watched in horror as the Race-Car light came loose, toppled in slow motion backwards and crashed to the floor, leaving Dean standing over it with his hands still raised and a look of shock on his face.

"Oh crap!"

Castiel found shopping to be much easier with Dean other-wise occupied, he had found the perfect bookcase for his room and - once an assistant had shown him the little forms and cute baby pencils - he had taken note of the number for collecting later on. He was just getting ready to make his way over to the drapes section and pick out his favourite colour when there was a tap on his shoulder. A very large and mean looking man towered over Castiel look very annoyed, and Castiel could see why…The man had his hand gripped around the forearm of a shamefaced and struggling Dean. If this had been five years ago Cas might have smited the guard in front of him for daring to manhandle his Dean, but this modern day Castiel was not so naïve and he signed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What did he do this time?" Cas asked with a groan and the guard shoved Dean towards him with a grunt.

"Found him trying to hide a broken lamp in a wardrobe, then he told guards he was on a mission from God. You're lucky I seen him with you earlier otherwise I'd have called the cops…Keep your eye on him better, he's a troublemaker." The guard grunted before shuffling off again and Castiel turned his glare on Dean who suddenly became overly interested in his shoes.

"Don't…Touch…ANYTHING!" Castiel snapped before stormed off again, this time followed by a pouting Hunter.

"What about this colour?" Castiel asked, holding up another shade of purple to the Hunter who was staring through the drapes rather than at them having lost all interest six shades ago.

"Sure…its great." Dean said, but Cas wasn't listening and had already moved on once again, pulling out yet another colour and muttering away to himself.

"Or maybe this…no…no its not right for the theme…" Cas rambled to himself and Dean started walking up and down the aisles by himself, looking for something to occupy him. He found himself amongst a sea of white cloth, and he smirked as he got himself a really awesome idea.

Castiel was busy comparing the colours against one another when a voice called out from behind him.

"Hey Cas, check me out! I'm the emperor!" Dean yelled and Castiel cringed as he slowly looked over his shoulder at the bain of his life. The Hunter had pulled one of the drapes straight off the shelf, made himself a toga of sorts, and was standing on one of the raised platforms with his hands raised in the air.

"Good people of Ikea, I am your knew Master…Hail to me!" Dean said to all the passers-by and Castiel wanted to bury himself under the fabrics and never come out. From the corner of his eye he spotted Mr. Grumpy Security making his way towards the troublesome Human and Castiel groaned loudly. How was this his life?

"Father, give me strength!"

Once Castiel had managed to wipe the Guard's memory and they had made it out of the maze of corridors alive, Dean started to grumble again.

"I'm hungry." He said, poking Castiel in the back repeatedly "Lets go eat!" The Hunter was practically bouncing on his toes and Castiel was becoming more and more irritable.

"You're always hungry, Dean! And we are not going for food right now, we have to concentrate and finish our shopping trip! Sam will already be wondering to where we have gotten." Castiel snapped, pulling the man by his wrist through the double doors and into the warehouse. They just had to pick up the things they needed and make it to the counter before Dean got them in any more trouble, how hard could it really be?

Dean had never seen a sight as wonderful as the warehouse of Ikea! It was a labyrinth of aisles stacked floor to ceiling with large crates and wooden boxes, like some kind of bonus feature from Indiana Jones, and Deans mind raced with ideas as they walked along. Castiel was droning on about numbers and shelf positioning again, and the second Dean found an escape route he was off running, leaving a completely ignorant Castiel talking to himself as he wandered off in search of his frill cut, high grad grape drapes. He stalked along the aisles, pressed up against the boxes and peeking around all the corners while humming a well known theme tune to himself.

"Da da da duh, da da duh! Da da duh duh, da da duh duh duh!" Dean hummed as he searched for the Arc, giggling like a little kid when he thought how red Cas' face was gonna be when he noticed Dean was gone again. Of all his annoying habits, he loved to tease the Angel more than anything.

-

Castiel was about to head for the Cashiers when he realised with an exasperated sigh that he had lost someone again. He rushed back along the aisles until he came to an open area filled with random furniture, all muddled together in the centre of the room like some kind of jumble sale.

"Dean? Come out now!" Castiel snapped and from the distance he heard a slight giggle, so he moved swiftly and silently towards the noise.

"Dean! I mean it now, no messing around! I am done with your games!" Castiel called out into the maze, and this time a voice answered him though the answer made no sense.

"Marco…" Dean voice called out and Castiel turned around, zoning in on a point several rows back from where he was currently. Seemed like the playful Hunter wanted to play games with him, but he was in no mood for this nonsense! He focused all his mind on the sounds around him and when he finally located Dean he threw himself across the room towards him and landed on top of the startled man with a grunt. He had managed to pin Dean face down behind a chest of drawers and was straddling his back.

"I have had just about enough of this, Dean Winchester! You will behave yourself or you will suffer the consequences, do you understand?!" Castiel growled in Deans ear but the poor struggling man had no time to answer before a cough interrupted their moment.

" _Hem Hem!_ Excuse me, Sirs, but is this really the place for that sort of thing?" A bemused store assistant asked with a grin, and both Dean and Castiel went pale as they realised just how bad this must look. Castiel slumped over and hid his face against Deans back, muttering into his shirt.

"Father, help me!"

Dean listened to Castiel ride his ass the whole way home about how he was a complete embarrassment, a total child, and how he would never go shopping with the Hunter ever again even if his very life depended on it. When they finally made it back to the bunker Castiel stormed off without helping with any of the bags and barged past a confused Sam on his way to the bedroom. The gentle giant of a Hunter watched Cas go with a hurt look then turned on his sheepish looking older brother.

"What the hell did you do this time?!" Sam snapped and Dean tried to look innocent.

"Why the hell do people keep asking that? I did nothing wrong!" Dean whined, not meeting his brothers eye.

"Sure you didn't! And I just got a call from Crowley saying Hell froze over! Jerk!" Sam scowled and ran off after Cas, leaving his brother staring at the floor and shuffling his feet. Dean was left dragging out all of the items from the car by himself and moving them into the spare room where they were going. He didn't wanna admit he was wrong - Sam knew damn well he got bored easily and when he got bored his mind wandered - but he did feel like he should make it up to Castiel. It wasn't the Angels fault that Dean couldn't stand shopping and he should have probably tried to keep his mayhem to a minimum. Once he had piled all the boxes and bags into the room he pulled out the prize piece, the solid 6 shelf bookcase that Cas had fallen completely in love with and Dean decided he would put it together for the Angel as a way of apologising. He pulled the box open and quickly did the manly thing of throwing the instruction manual straight in the bin…he didn't need those damn things, this was gonna be a walk in the park.

Castiel seethed for about two hours before he began to think that maybe he had overreacted to the Hunters playfulness, and perhaps maybe he had been a little harsh with his words. A quick scan of the Bunker told him that Dean was in his soon to be Study, assembling furniture, and that broke his temper completely. Here he was wasting his time being angry when Dean was busy putting his room together for him, and that made him feel like an ass. Castiel decided that he would make it up to Dean and bring the Hunter some coffee and a sandwich - his favourite Chicken and Bacon on white with zero greens and heavy on the sauce - but when he appeared in the room he almost dropped the plate and mug on the floor in shock.

Dean was sitting the middle of the room surrounded by odd bits of wood and screw ends, his hair stuck up at odd angles and his eyes popping out of his head.

"What?! Where do you go! Just freakin' go in!" Dean yelled at the piece of wood he was holding in his hand, and for a moment Cas feared the Hunter had lost his mind until he spied the bunch of paper sticking out of the wastepaper bin in the corner. The Angel rolled his eyes and slammed the plate and mug down on the nearest flat surface.

"Dean, why is the instruction manual for the assembly of this furniture in the bin and not in your hand? I would think it would be easier to build if you actually knew what you were doing!" Cas snapped at the foolish Human who was now looking at him as though he suggested they eat babies.

"Real men don't need instructions! Its fine, I know just what I am doing! A few more whacks and it'll go in!" Dean rambled, more to himself than to Castiel and the Angel walked over and snatched the manual from the bin, taking his seat beside Dean.

"Do not be difficult Dean, you are more than enough of man already…now lets do this the right way shall we?" Cas said and finally the Hunters face cleared, smiling at his Angel and shuffling closer.

"You always know what to say, don't you?" Dean asked and Cas smirked a little.

"Well you are very easy to please, Dean…Now can I please have silence while I read over the manual?" Castiel asked and Dean eyed him sceptically.

"Dude, seriously don't even bother, those things are impossible to read. Even Sammy doesn't understand half the crap on those damn instructions." Dean explained but Castiel scoffed.

"Dean, I am more than a millennia old, I am versed in every language both known and unknown, I think some simple furniture assembly instructions will be easy…" Castiel chuckled as he read over the manual with Dean watching him carefully as his expression clouded and he turned the manual over in his hands, first sideways then upside down, confusion descending on his face…

 _Five Hours Later_

"SATAN TAKE THESE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"

"I told you so…"

"SHUT UP, DEAN!"

It had been almost eight hours since Sam had heard anything from either Dean or Cas and he was beginning to worry that the room had swallowed them whole, when he poked his head in to check on them. He couldn't believe the sight that greeted him.

The entire floor was covered in spare wood, broken shelves and tiny little screws and nuts scattered everywhere. An instruction manual lay torn into several pieces and was hanging out of an empty coffee mug, next to a half eaten sandwich. And right in the centre of the mayhem there lay to sleeping figures, naked and curled around one another under a set of purple drapes. Sam stared in shock for several moments before stumbling back out of the room and slamming the door behind him…trust Dean to turn a shopping trip into an excuse to get laid.

Freakin' Dean and his damn Angel…Sam would never look at Ikea furniture the same way again.


End file.
